I’m sure you can picture the scene. You have repeatedly told your child that food goes on the plate or in your mouth. He looks you in the eye, grabs that vegetable, and while maintaining eye contact, slowly moves his arm away from the table.
Suddenly the vegetable falls the floor. {Gasp!} His face may simultaneously express: How did that mysteriously happen? And what are you going to do about it?
As a child psychologist, I have some insider information for you. It’s not just a coincidence that children are often able to figure out the very behaviors and the precise moments that can just get to us. In fact, our clever little detectives spend much of their time—beginning in early childhood—experimenting with various well-researched methods to uncover what behaviors work best to get their desired response.
In these moments, it may help to remember that most behaviors serve a purpose. Our job is to decode and translate what the behavior may be trying to tell us. Does your child need more independence? More structure? More affection and empathy? More attention? Or, are they trying to avoid a particular feeling or situation?
The technical term we call this evaluation process is functional behavioral analysis. That is, we analyze the function of the behavior. Behavior is one of the best communication tools that a child has. Some behavioral theories posit that emotional symptoms, including anxiety, depression, or anger, can serve some secondary functional purposes.
Very often in my practice, I see how many emotional behaviors that initially seem to push people away actually, and more subtly, are drawing people closer. For example, some children with aggressive or defiant behaviors may, on the surface, be pushing you away. However, aggressive or defiant behaviors most often ignite an adult response, which initiates engagement. Therefore, what your child really may be requesting is attention, closeness, affection, or empathy. Thus, some of these emotional behaviors—in a complex and somewhat twisted way—may actually be communicating that you are needed, you are valued, and you are adored.
It is typically much more effective for a neutral observer, such as a parenting coach, counselor, or psychologist, to witness these complex dynamics: You may consider whether a professional observation can help your family. But the next time you observe your child engaging in that very behavior that really just gets to you, perhaps first consider what function or need this behavior may be trying to communicate to you. And you just may find that your child has devised a unique method to tell you that she loves you dearly.