Jill, a Sonoma County parent, was deeply distressed when her 9-year-old came home from school and told her that a classmate’s mother had died. “I wasn’t only upset by the news,” says Jill. “I was disturbed by Henry’s lack of reaction. He seemed completely unaffected. His response was, ‘Mom, when’s dinner?’ Where was his empathy?” Not to worry, says Claire Beery, MA, Director of Parents Place. Henry’s empathy was there all the time.
“Just because Henry did not react openly does not mean that he did not internalize feelings of loss and sadness,” Claire says. “Like adults, kids need time to process what’s going on inside for them. For parents, the waiting period before our kids approach us to express their feelings can seem intolerable.
“But if we pressure them to talk,” Claire continues, “they may clam up, become defensive, or even seem uncaring. These are natural ways kids cope with stressful situations, especially when they do not have any prior experience with them and can’t understand all of their complexities. Kids will talk when they’re ready. When they come to us, we need to listen patiently and ask open-ended questions that help them clarify their feelings.”
That’s exactly what happened to Jill, who has consulted with Claire on a number of parenting issues over the years. “After a couple of days,” she recounts, “Henry approached me out of the blue and said, ‘Remember when I told you that Sean’s mother died? I was kind of freaked out about it. Kids’ moms don’t die a lot, do they? ‘ This led to a really good discussion, and I could see how deeply this woman’s death had hit him. I was touched by my son’s sensitivity. He ended up writing a beautiful card to Sean and his dad, which was cathartic for him as well.”
Parents Place professionals are available to provide guidance and strategies on a broad range of issues. To contact Claire and other Parents Place experts, call 415-359-2443.